Castration

"Let me have them - you have a man now" - I sat staring at him as if he had lost his mind.

They usually appear when there are decisions to be made, or when each of our halves are brought to the table. I get cold and clammy and my pulse begins racing and like magic - they descend from my being and swing proudly - what are they.....my FEMALE BALLS.

Most blackwomen have a pair. Especially if you are single and it's mandatory if you are a single mom. They start out small, inconspicuous because we are fighting the situation where we have to even have them. Eventually however, they mature and become these 'entities' that appear whenever we need...Strength. They help us through so many situations (1) buying the car (2) getting the good job (3) renting and/or acquiring property (4) the mechanic (5) bringing in the baby, stroller, groceries off the bus! and (5) weeding out the wrong man. When they descend, we get a swagger, our tone changes, our back straightens and we develop a forcefield to be reckoned with.

Unfortunately, so many of us have actually allowed them to swing and grow all the time. We've lost our ability to pull them back up and resume a more 'natural' (don't fall over - you really were made to be feminine and the woman and the helpmate in the duo) stance in the world. We've gone out and got boxer/briefs and totally let that appendage we grew out of necessity take over. We get down with the best of them - we don't need any help, a negro betta not jump bad, tell us what to do, try to give us some advice or exert his own....balls. We make money, we own shit, we go places, we are in control of our bodies - what the hell I need you for?!

(INSERT JILL SCOTT'S I NEED YOU HERE!)

Our Testosterone has become so strong, our balls so big, we are hairy and they are hanging and swanging like a champion. It's like Kryptonite to the Brothers and alot of them have decided to just submit, you think it's an accident that we've been reduced to ass/hips/titties? He swung that pendulum because he had to go to the raw primal instincts cause he just don't feel like dealing with the work it would take to REALLY be with us, and this would guarantee the continuation of himself - cause we know when all fails - we'll be...fucking.

'You have a man now' had become a calming catchphrase in my relationship. It is used to reel me back in. Not from being uncivilized or anything like that, but to help me exhale. As black women (in particular) we speak frequently about the need to 'exhale', to release that which is built up inside. Only those who have been blessed to experience it will know that for most of us, our 'lungs' are so congested that a true breathing experience takes....time.

I no longer am holding my breath, but there is a sort of panting going on as if I am actually birthing something. I've been holding it in for so long, I had lost the mechanism that indicates when you need to breathe. So first, I put myself on a ventilator and it was working fine, but now I must step out and breathe on my own.

My lung capacity is expanding daily - I can take nice deep breaths about alot of things. I have my inhaler when I get overwhelmed in situations such as......child rearing, purchases for the home etc. Things that have been soley my domain - I need TWO inhalers for some stuff - but I'm ready! I'm ready to shrivel up these balls, totally clear out my bronchial tubes and breathe deeply!!

So I work daily - because it won't come naturally. I'm 'advanced' in some of my thought processes about these things - yet, it's difficult for me as well. It's a learned behaviour and so it has to be unlearned, and you have to replace it with a new idea, a new thought process, a new way of doing things. Giving up a portion of your power for some sistas is utterly impossible, but I see the benefit of the power shift and the new powers that I will obtain by stopping from trying to manipulate the situation with my...balls.

CAUN held his hand out and I grabbed it and held on tight. I told him that I couldn't just rip them off and give them to him - I would bleed out, but that each time he 'works' with me, and comforts me and takes a little pebble off my shoulders -they were shrinking.

Say what you will about the blackman and his condition (as if we don't know it) - but his continued desire and attempt to take on us and our full frontal bullshit*, is definately ordained by God. Cause personally, I wouldn't even fuck with me and I ain't even that bad, lol lol.


*I don't subscribe to the 50/50 principle, as in it's his fault too. Let a man discuss where they went wrong, I discuss US and our part in this disconnect between us. If you want 'equality' in that manner - make your own damn blog!