I Say Yes Boy....Again

I went to get him a drink and I came back to some blingage! I'm so excited! We bout to get maried ya'll!!!!!!!!!!

Looking Thru The Window

What's up PEOPLE?!?! Hope folks are doing well. I won't go into the long, I need to do better about blogging. I had my blog heyday back on Emancipation - I'll blog here when the mood hits me.

So I guess I should have really taken the time to self-promote in reference to the whole webblog awards thing. I hope someone nominated me, so at least I was on the ballot, lol lol I wrote some powerful stuff over on Emancipation, I feel like Marz and I are running close in terms of personal blogsites. I will however, support the finalist and read some of the ones that I have never heard of.

Are you not LOVING this season of Noah's Arc? I am so glad this show came back on. As always Rod 2.0 gives up to the minute news and a GREAT recap of the show! I turned some more females onto it and after getting over their uncomfort, they are hooked. Cause it's good TV.

I've blessed you all with the listing of Season Premiere's for some of our favorite shows over in the Hollylicious portion of the page - make sure you check those out.

The Blacks (thanks Trent) are not impressing me with anything musically lately but Justin (damn a tittie, I can't wait!) and Christina are WORKING IT!

My take on this idiot: I think that he became morbidly obsessed with this little girl post-mortem and has convinced himself that he loved and thus was responsible for her death. I'm just not believing that he did it at this point. I also am wondering what REALLY was happening in the world when the press 'jumped the shark' and bombarded us with this weirdo, and now are kinda backing up off of it because the information is shady at best. If gas jumps to $8.00/gallon or something else - we'll know. The media/press is famous for diverting our attention from what we really should be trying to check out. However, I'm happy this has allowed Geraldo's dick to get hard again! Viagra has NOTHING for this man, lol lol

If you did not have a chance to check out Spike Lee's Documentary Case Study of Hurricane Katrina on HBO (reairing in it's entirety on Tuesday, August 29th) PLEASE get someone to tape/burn it for you. Powerful is all I have to say. Difficult to watch - - Generational Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -- how can we pile anymore on the stuff we already got?! Thank you Spike for making sure it doesn't get REWRITTEN (damn shame!).

Home life is going good. We got a real nice groove going and our schedules, our free time and just our lives are overlapping seamlessly and happily. CAUN and I are still very much in love and very happy. We both keep shaking our heads at how blessed we are. I find it difficult to not just gush because the man is still presenting me with things to love him for daily. I never really got the concept of 'falling in love' because I'm too analytical for that - but last week, I found my heart racing and my pulse pounding and getting woozy just looking at him (no life) and it dawned on me, I'm falling...again. It's like a tumble down a cotton mountain - just powerful.


Lately however, the most emotionally satisfying and charged feelings I have encountered are the ones surrounding the budding relationship between CAUN and MINI-ME. It takes alot of courage for a woman to step back and allow a relationship to develop between a man and their child - it's probably the hardest and most difficult phase of moving into a couple spectrum. If you are long-term single (like I have been) or have ANY issues with men yourself, this is a step that actually could place you in the position to really just not be truly open to love, because you can't give up your fears about the future. We can't predict the future and the step on faith that we as women take when we involve our children in relationships - is just that, a step on faith. There are 'step' kids in various communicado's with their former step parents all over the United States (I use just us because our culture is a bit different and the one I know). Some of them are no more worse for wear and some of them have been scarred by the continual induction and then disappearance of male figures in their lives. However - YOU CAN'T STOP LIVING! I'm such a firm believer in that. Now maybe I, personally, have a different story thus it isn't so hard for me. I can't speak for other sisters, but I'm allowing CAUN access to my daughter, there will be no separate/secret relationship she and I have the precludes him (you know you see that - the man is not really respected because the mother/daughter have a 'side' relationship where the mother is undermining the influence, authority and involvement of the man). We are going to be a family DAMMIT! LOL

Now my position as a step-parent is still in the embryo stages. What I have learned is that if there is a break in the chain, it's not going to work - because no matter how much your link is working, there is still that broken link that makes the chain incomplete and weak. Having grown up in a situation where I had three stepmothers at the same time and there was no overt separation, I came into this slightly naive about exactly what my role and responsibility is. I've come to the conclusion however that I have 'responsibility' to everyone directly related to him. He has responsibility to everyone who he has claimed as 'his' - his responsibility is broader than mine - but I'm in the loop by association as his current. I get in where I fit in and it might or might not be a 'fit'. As well as, I have NO responsiblity to things that are out of my control. I am only in control of myself.

Wedding plans are creeping forward - FIVE MONTHS TO GO!! I've chosen a dress for me (it really doesn't have to be that nerve wracking) and Mini-Me and Baby Chocolate Pound Cake. So it's moving along. I don't feel under the gun, but the gun is visible on the table, lol Anybody got some winning lottery numbers?

So I know this is long and whatnot - but I felt like writing.

Tomorrow - Attention Whore Disorder, should you fret if you have it?

Feet Back On The Ground

YOU HAD TO BE THERE!

Well folks I am back from my field trip! Had a good time. Orlando must be 10 minutes from the damn SUN! I stopped by the resort to catch up with Mini-me while I was down there - surrounded by Cabana Boys, she allowed me a 15 minute audience and then went back to maxing and relaxing.

Now as you know this was CAUN and my longest separation since we laid eyes on each other, lol lol. Well it looks like he did good. Now apparently he survived on hotdogs, popcorn and applesauce and whatever he had going on involved his swim trunks and latex gloves (I DON'T WANT TO KNOW)! I was so happy to see him!! It's funny, I really was missing him. I just kept seeing the fun we would have had down there (which makes me excited about the fun we will have at the wedding and on our honeymoon). I was feeling so blessed - when him and Sakinah pulled up at that McDonalds to pick me up - I had a....family ya'll (BIG GRIN). It touches my heart anyway to see him interacting with Sakinah and her interacting with him. I was happy so happy to see my CAUN!!! (even though I will be moving some stuff back where I had put it before I left, lol - NO DECORATING CAUN!).

So this morning - life is getting back to normal with the start of the 7th grade for Mini-Me. Me back at work and playing some SERIOUS catchup on my school work. This evening we have grocery shopping (I dont' do hotdogs and applesauce, lol) and washing, lol Tomorrow - time with "Janet" and "Big Red"

You know we really must think we got six figure jobs because our wish list is just soo long. Ya'll know I keep a list and a folder - I need to carry a file cabinet on my back, lol lol CAUN and I have BIG plans and a BIG future ahead of us and I believe we are going to get everything we hope and dream for.

Well I am on my 'school time' schedule so I'll be wrapping up soon.

OH and I wanted to give a special shout out to Dwight - You know I loves yah man! Can't wait to meet you! See You in V-E-G-A-S!!!!!!!

Off to see the Wizard

On my way at 5:30am to the wonderful city of Orlando to kick it with my 'Highschool' cohorts in the annual off-line meet and greet. The party train is leaving friday and returning on Sunday. The Metro will be OUT OF COMMISSION during this time. Mini-me is about 17 minutes away from my location chillin as only she can. I will be dropping through to make sure she has no LOTION or GEL for her trip home. CAUN will be dancing butt naked through the house - joyful that all that estrogen is gone, lol

I will get back at cha when I get back at cha - but before I go I have one more post to log while it's on my mind - - - -

Oh An Emancipation Can Do Wonders

I keep the notion that I'd actually get married again buried sooo deep inside - I rarely let that feeling out.

We were at the mall this weekend and a friend was looking at a bridal book and she thrusts the book literally in my face and said "Pam what kinda dress would you like to wear" and I became overcome with nervousness and I had to admit "I had no idea because I haven't looked in a wedding book in over 15 years" (give or take a few).

I've so conditioned myself to NEVER EVER EVER think Wedding or speak of wedding aloud in front of any given male negro or whatever you had is OVA - that I have supressed the very notion that someone would want to get serious enough to marry me., since I'm the Woman you want to marry but noone is ready for that yet


Yea I got asked late last year as you all know and I turned him down because that was NOT a good situation (especially after I came home one day and he had been by and left me an envelope with Our Relationship in it - circa 1978 - when I was TWELVE).

I say all of that to say - I just never utter the word aloud or in reference to any man that I know currently. On some level - I've already told myself that won't be happening to me and my old ass - so don't exert any energy to it.

Standing in that bookstore with that 400 page book thrust in my face - brought all of that to my face in living color.

I don't feel it will happen again so I don't put any energy to thinking about it. I don't know how to think about it.

It's also because my family is not a big 'wedding' family - we got marriage but no 'weddings' - so I don't 'see' it in my memory bank you know. IF by osmosis I were to get married and have a wedding - it would blow everyone away that I'd want one,lol.

So whereas other ladies are familar with the process, can remember the first time they got married (if that's the case) and the whole Will You Marry Me? etc. etc. and that process - I just don't - so the concept of wedding and that motion sometimes is lost on me.

Yes I was married but uh we were sitting in bed and he said "Let's do this" we went together to pick out the rings and in hindsight - when we divided up the bills - I ended up paying THAT bill, lol We went to City Hall - no reception no nothing. I came home and cooked dinner.

Don't get me wrong - if I were afforded the opportunity for that to happen to me - I think I would be able to let go and revel in that, because I would have let go of the notion that it won't happen to me - which would be evidenced by the fact that I would be getting engaged, lol

Maybe I'll just wait and take it all out at my daughters wedding - she better get ready, lol Because I can change that attitude about it thru her you know

Keep Her In Your Prayers

Janet is at the hospital and we should have a baby by tomorrow!! I'm soo excited!

Friday Freestyle

Don't fall over - two days in a row, I know. How ya'll doing out in blogworld. Be sure to check out the new Hollyicious Moment and maybe just maybe nominate a sista for something - I mean I do have a fierce personal blogspot. The Emancipation was powerful.....Ok enough beggin!

It's hot as Crisco up in the Deck and I don't care if they cut it all off - I gots to keep the air on and in the new home there's now 1200+ feet to cool - so I know I'm gonna regret this.

You know I realized I don't go swimming anymore. I don't know why - I take mini-me to the pool, but I never go. I just might take a dip this weekend. I'm feeling grown and free.

I'll be home all weekend because WE'RE BROKE!! I really will be glad when we bounce back from the move - because we running on fumes. It's stressful sometimes, but it's far less stressful sharing it with two - yah dig?!

Mini-me goes back on tour this monday - going to Orlando to spend some time with the Paternal side of the family. That should be nice. So CAUN and I one more week of cohabiting and then we are really getting into the whole couple/parenting/daytoday life groove. That should be fun (YIKES!).

Starting soon - I'll be beginning to incorporate wedding plans into the blog. I will make a countdown or something cute, lol - but here is what we have going on so far:


Date:
January 20, 2007 (the anniversary of our first date)
Time:
2'ish
Place:
Vegas (yea we doing it like our relationship - full of fun)
Chapel:
Little White Wedding Chapel
Colors:
Lilac, Purple, Silver
Wedding Party:
3 Groomsmen and 3 Bridesmaid w/Mini-me as Jr. Bridesmaid and CAUN's daughter as flower girl
Honeymoon:
Cruise of Western Caribbean during Spring Break in April (we got kids)

We already have one HUGE surprise for the readers that will surface closer to the nuptial date - so stay tuned!

I do have file folders and a binder etc. - right away I got overwelmed with the entire shin dig - it was too stuffy and too formal and I was just too like - ooooh this is going to get carried away. Ya'll have to remember I eloped the first time. So Vegas was calling us - and we heeded the call. This is going to be so much fun! I'm sooo excited and happy. We've sent out engagement announcements - thanks to everyone and their well wishes! I'll begin working on the rest shortly.

So I said a post or so ago that I would post some more pictures and blogger was acting up - let's see if I can post any now.






Have a good one!

Re-Entry

Hello Peeps! Looky Here! A Sista has finally gotten around to blogging. I know I keep saying this, but I never thought I wouldn't have alot of time to blog anymore. Gone are my days of just you know chilling etc. etc. I am an active Mother and Wife to Be lately. I got alot going on and so when I have downtime - I have yet other stuff to do. I am mad I don't have more time - but I will not close the blog and who knows I might have pockets of daily stuff. I now just feel like I need to make the entries STRONG and go places I didn't go on the last one.

I woke up exhausted this morning. I am still kinda recovering from moving. You know being 40 and I can admit it - not being at the most ideal weight - causes recovery to take longer than it might usually.

Everytime Mini-me goes on a world tour and there is a stop in Philly - there is an emotional breakdown of sorts as she gets used to being back home. I rarely talk about this and some of this was suppose to be a part of the Family Series - but let me just put it right here and title this Chapter:

You A Heathen

So I'm downstairs reading my text book and I hear Sakinah calling me. I go on upstairs and open her door and she is crying her eyes out...here we go. We always go through this the first couple of days she's home - well this time had some added surprises....

** She don't know anything about her Father and I never talk about him - Ok, I was actually anticipating this with the changes that are happening. So this one didn't catch me off guard. What did was the fact that my mom presented her with some things that belonged to him, that I had no knowledge that she had - one of the items, I honestly couldn't remember the circumstances that I gave it to him - so I'm sitting there looking like a duh duh. I had this speech ready however and I explained to her that me remarrying would not negate her father or that he was her father blah blah blah.

** I don't have any religion and there are things that I need to know out here in the world and I have so much on my mind and Grandma said that the reason you don't 'believe' is because when you were little you thought it was too hard - so now as an adult, you shun it but that you've failed me. I really wish I could control these situation but I can't. So this time around SIGH - I told her the following (1) I can admit that I have failed you in terms of giving you Religion but I have not failed you in giving you life tools and life lessons or exhibiting to you how Islam works. Your life is the way it is because of Islam. I also broke it down to her about LIP SERVICE! and that while xyz can probably recite like a parrot all kinds of RELIGIOUS stuff - they were savages and should go hide. I told her I live my life as a Muslim and I have conducted myself as one and her life again is the way it is because of it. I pointed out a couple of poignant things about her cousins and the life they were being subjected to and the one she was where she lived in an atmosphere filled with love, respect, honor, civilization, continuity and peace. I told her to take a good look at how everyone up there was living, the conditions of their homes etc. I then went ahead and spoke to her about how I was not going to condemn all black people solely based on the fact that they were Christians I also told her that I was not going to turn away the blessing of CAUN that Allah brought into both of our lives - when He would move heaven and earth for her and for me and I was not going to require him to change anything about himself - just to 'say' he was a Muslim when he acts more like one than several of her Uncles.

I explained myself and if mini-me chooses to judge me then so be it - I understand that at 12 she's trying to find her identity and a part of that is your relationship with God.

This however, led to a 2 hour plus conversation with Reggie. I had to finally just break some things down to him about the entire situation Religion, I also laid out to him my take on it and that point blank - I'm not religious - I walk around day to day and I pray to Allah but I'm not in the "Temple" i'm not quoting "Scripture" I'm just trying to live and conduct myself in the manner in which it was taught to me. Skip all the pomp and circumstance. He actually gave me some very very good insight on the situation, I had to chuckle cause obviously he's been observing more than he's let on, lol. I'm glad we had this conversation because it put me and him on the same page and he and I talked all about 'religion' and his take etc. and we connected spiritually last evening - which was the final piece of this puzzle.

Now I know this might spark some questions and/or some need for further explanation and to be honest - I might be messing up all together and just raising a quite confused child, but I'll take the heat for that. To walk in my shoes and intrepret things the way I have once I have gotten out here in the world is quite a journey and I have to live it on my own. The Teachings say "Mere Belief Counts for Nothing" and I may very well (as second generation Nation of Islam) be lighting a match on my ass in the depths of hell - but it's the best I can do right now with it all. It's the best I can do.

Today is a new day and Mini-me has purged and life should get back to normal - at minimum devote some time to actually sitting down and reading and answering questions with her etc. etc. we can use that as our time and a deepening relationship with God ain't never hurt anyone - now has it?