It's Just Emotions

Afternoon! I have been running and haven't been able to put thoughts to paper till now dang it! As I was saying yesterday, this week, I wanted to do an emotional drive-by and see where I am in my continued development. I thought today, I'd revisit some popular emotions and see how I have been doing.

Love

Noooo, this isn't another ode to Caun, lol It's about the very word itself. I didn't grow up hearing it alot. It was evident, but my family just didn't use the word like that. I haven't been one to use it alot either in my lifetime. I remember mobetta and I were in a relationship for years and we never exchanged the plesantry. Caun is a whole different animal. From the moment we professed love for one another - it's been a constant staple in my life and off my lips. I, at first was actually uncomfortable with the word. Not the emotion, but the word. I can say I've gotten past that. Every conversation ends with I love you, it is just randomly thrown around between us and it feels right. I have incorporated it into my daily routine with Sakinah. It used to just be a bedtime sentiment, but now I say it to her when she gets out of the car in the morning. At first it took her by surprise, but she got onboard quickly. I don't know how to speak it to my mother. I have all the emotion, but saying the word - I'm not there yet, it's just not something we do.

Affection

Now this right here has grown by leaps and bounds. As you can probably guess, there wasn't alot of this either. For years as an adult, I was accused of being a 'cold' person by the very people who I would have learned how to show affection from. I didn't even know how to hug, it was always awkward for me. I could relate to a man but basically I wasn't too keen on being touched. It was foreign to me. I had to teach myself how to embrace and provide that physical affection for my child. As she became older, I shrunk away from her hugs and kisses as well. I was able to notice this and made myself be available for her. When I began my Emancipation, I began to reach out beyond my comfort and just hug people. "Janet" was first, then I would just randomly hug other people. I forced myself to get over my desire to shrink back and allow flesh to touch. Then I meet a man who wants to basically live in your warm spots, lol. I couldn't even front, lol This man is attached to my hip. He loves showing and giving affection. At first it would freak me out! I felt like I was trapped or something, but then I chided myself and even when I wanted to run away, I stayed. I am doing much better in that area. Now even Mini-me will come plop her 105 pound ass in my lap to be cuddled. Caun is still all over me and there are days when I tell him, get off me - but they are getting less and less. I enjoy snuggling and being all up under him. I even hugged my mom last time I saw her - a full frontal embrace. HUGE STEP for me.

Happiness

I know this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I have Happiness Anxiety. I don't know if that's something real or not, but I assigned that name to it. What I mean is that I feel 'stress' around being insanely happy. I constantly worry if I"m too happy, am I being arrogrant, how do I coexist with alot of folks I know who got issues for days, am I being an ass for even entertaining that there needs to be some type of 'program' to coexist with other people? My assumption that other folks might take offense to me constantly expounding on how happy I am, my assumption that other folks aren't happy, and the list goes on and on. I don't know what's wrong with me. Let's not even being the whole 'how long is this gonna last?' and the paranoia that folks are waiting patiently for my stuff to fall flat. The ONE THING I don't have going is the 'don't deserve it's', which in itself should get me 20 lashes across the neck and back. Don't ask me what's wrong with me. I have never really been one to be able to just live in the moment without overanalyzing all kinds of stuff. See this is how people add unneccesary stress to their lives, lol It's as if, you feel you can't survive without it. Lawd Help Me! I am working on this.

Stress

Speaking of stress, it seems that overall, I've reduced mine to the smallest of issues. Those I create on my own. I have gotten very proficient at not allowing others stress to infiltrate what I got going on. I have mellowed out all the way around about alot of stuff and I am quite happy with that. Low stress means better Diabetic numbers and that means minutes on my life.

Drama

I really had to sit back and say that in reality, folks live every day WITHOUT it and I intend to be one of those folks. The first step was distancing myself from family drama, which takes up a great portion of my drama meter to begin with. Drama is a decision and I am deciding NOT to have it. I don't have any personally and my 'circle' are not ones to dwell in it. I also have begun to kinda protect myself when it comes to my 'counseling duties'. Number Tne, I can only say so much to adults - everyone got their own journey. Number Two, I was starting to get cynical about all of it to begin with and to prevent that from showing, I have to take 'breaks'. Caun lives the most carefree life and I sit in his breeze and enjoy the shade. It is quite relaxing.

Fear

I have been having the weirdest anxiety attacks and they all revolve around....Caun dying. Who would have thought my past would rear it's ugly head like it has. Death is inevitable, but when you have lost a mate - it just seems as if it's always on the surface. My heart gets to beating fast and I just focus really hard on shaking the images out of my head. For those that don't know that complete story - I'll post it at a later date.

Envy and Jealousy

You know E&J go together, lol There is always someone doing better than you or having more than you. I really took to Katt Williams philosophy about "Haters" - if I do hate on somebody, I have to acknowledge they fly and then I work hard to acquire me more haters, lol Jealously in my relationship is non-existent. I have raised an eyebrow at some broads a couple of times, but such is the way of the world. Hell, I'm glad somebody looking at both of us, lol We could be swamp ponies, lol

Whew, I feel pretty good. I have this aura of love and happiness around me and it's coming from.....within. I am in love with me, add Caun and I am a vessel of love, lol It's sickening...I know, lol So I am doing okay. Always room for improvement, especially when it comes to checking my out of control self, lol.

Tomorrow we will delve into...Family Ties. I will need some time to compose that one.