Off to see the Wizard

On my way at 5:30am to the wonderful city of Orlando to kick it with my 'Highschool' cohorts in the annual off-line meet and greet. The party train is leaving friday and returning on Sunday. The Metro will be OUT OF COMMISSION during this time. Mini-me is about 17 minutes away from my location chillin as only she can. I will be dropping through to make sure she has no LOTION or GEL for her trip home. CAUN will be dancing butt naked through the house - joyful that all that estrogen is gone, lol

I will get back at cha when I get back at cha - but before I go I have one more post to log while it's on my mind - - - -

Oh An Emancipation Can Do Wonders

I keep the notion that I'd actually get married again buried sooo deep inside - I rarely let that feeling out.

We were at the mall this weekend and a friend was looking at a bridal book and she thrusts the book literally in my face and said "Pam what kinda dress would you like to wear" and I became overcome with nervousness and I had to admit "I had no idea because I haven't looked in a wedding book in over 15 years" (give or take a few).

I've so conditioned myself to NEVER EVER EVER think Wedding or speak of wedding aloud in front of any given male negro or whatever you had is OVA - that I have supressed the very notion that someone would want to get serious enough to marry me., since I'm the Woman you want to marry but noone is ready for that yet


Yea I got asked late last year as you all know and I turned him down because that was NOT a good situation (especially after I came home one day and he had been by and left me an envelope with Our Relationship in it - circa 1978 - when I was TWELVE).

I say all of that to say - I just never utter the word aloud or in reference to any man that I know currently. On some level - I've already told myself that won't be happening to me and my old ass - so don't exert any energy to it.

Standing in that bookstore with that 400 page book thrust in my face - brought all of that to my face in living color.

I don't feel it will happen again so I don't put any energy to thinking about it. I don't know how to think about it.

It's also because my family is not a big 'wedding' family - we got marriage but no 'weddings' - so I don't 'see' it in my memory bank you know. IF by osmosis I were to get married and have a wedding - it would blow everyone away that I'd want one,lol.

So whereas other ladies are familar with the process, can remember the first time they got married (if that's the case) and the whole Will You Marry Me? etc. etc. and that process - I just don't - so the concept of wedding and that motion sometimes is lost on me.

Yes I was married but uh we were sitting in bed and he said "Let's do this" we went together to pick out the rings and in hindsight - when we divided up the bills - I ended up paying THAT bill, lol We went to City Hall - no reception no nothing. I came home and cooked dinner.

Don't get me wrong - if I were afforded the opportunity for that to happen to me - I think I would be able to let go and revel in that, because I would have let go of the notion that it won't happen to me - which would be evidenced by the fact that I would be getting engaged, lol

Maybe I'll just wait and take it all out at my daughters wedding - she better get ready, lol Because I can change that attitude about it thru her you know