Re-Entry

Hello Peeps! Looky Here! A Sista has finally gotten around to blogging. I know I keep saying this, but I never thought I wouldn't have alot of time to blog anymore. Gone are my days of just you know chilling etc. etc. I am an active Mother and Wife to Be lately. I got alot going on and so when I have downtime - I have yet other stuff to do. I am mad I don't have more time - but I will not close the blog and who knows I might have pockets of daily stuff. I now just feel like I need to make the entries STRONG and go places I didn't go on the last one.

I woke up exhausted this morning. I am still kinda recovering from moving. You know being 40 and I can admit it - not being at the most ideal weight - causes recovery to take longer than it might usually.

Everytime Mini-me goes on a world tour and there is a stop in Philly - there is an emotional breakdown of sorts as she gets used to being back home. I rarely talk about this and some of this was suppose to be a part of the Family Series - but let me just put it right here and title this Chapter:

You A Heathen

So I'm downstairs reading my text book and I hear Sakinah calling me. I go on upstairs and open her door and she is crying her eyes out...here we go. We always go through this the first couple of days she's home - well this time had some added surprises....

** She don't know anything about her Father and I never talk about him - Ok, I was actually anticipating this with the changes that are happening. So this one didn't catch me off guard. What did was the fact that my mom presented her with some things that belonged to him, that I had no knowledge that she had - one of the items, I honestly couldn't remember the circumstances that I gave it to him - so I'm sitting there looking like a duh duh. I had this speech ready however and I explained to her that me remarrying would not negate her father or that he was her father blah blah blah.

** I don't have any religion and there are things that I need to know out here in the world and I have so much on my mind and Grandma said that the reason you don't 'believe' is because when you were little you thought it was too hard - so now as an adult, you shun it but that you've failed me. I really wish I could control these situation but I can't. So this time around SIGH - I told her the following (1) I can admit that I have failed you in terms of giving you Religion but I have not failed you in giving you life tools and life lessons or exhibiting to you how Islam works. Your life is the way it is because of Islam. I also broke it down to her about LIP SERVICE! and that while xyz can probably recite like a parrot all kinds of RELIGIOUS stuff - they were savages and should go hide. I told her I live my life as a Muslim and I have conducted myself as one and her life again is the way it is because of it. I pointed out a couple of poignant things about her cousins and the life they were being subjected to and the one she was where she lived in an atmosphere filled with love, respect, honor, civilization, continuity and peace. I told her to take a good look at how everyone up there was living, the conditions of their homes etc. I then went ahead and spoke to her about how I was not going to condemn all black people solely based on the fact that they were Christians I also told her that I was not going to turn away the blessing of CAUN that Allah brought into both of our lives - when He would move heaven and earth for her and for me and I was not going to require him to change anything about himself - just to 'say' he was a Muslim when he acts more like one than several of her Uncles.

I explained myself and if mini-me chooses to judge me then so be it - I understand that at 12 she's trying to find her identity and a part of that is your relationship with God.

This however, led to a 2 hour plus conversation with Reggie. I had to finally just break some things down to him about the entire situation Religion, I also laid out to him my take on it and that point blank - I'm not religious - I walk around day to day and I pray to Allah but I'm not in the "Temple" i'm not quoting "Scripture" I'm just trying to live and conduct myself in the manner in which it was taught to me. Skip all the pomp and circumstance. He actually gave me some very very good insight on the situation, I had to chuckle cause obviously he's been observing more than he's let on, lol. I'm glad we had this conversation because it put me and him on the same page and he and I talked all about 'religion' and his take etc. and we connected spiritually last evening - which was the final piece of this puzzle.

Now I know this might spark some questions and/or some need for further explanation and to be honest - I might be messing up all together and just raising a quite confused child, but I'll take the heat for that. To walk in my shoes and intrepret things the way I have once I have gotten out here in the world is quite a journey and I have to live it on my own. The Teachings say "Mere Belief Counts for Nothing" and I may very well (as second generation Nation of Islam) be lighting a match on my ass in the depths of hell - but it's the best I can do right now with it all. It's the best I can do.

Today is a new day and Mini-me has purged and life should get back to normal - at minimum devote some time to actually sitting down and reading and answering questions with her etc. etc. we can use that as our time and a deepening relationship with God ain't never hurt anyone - now has it?