Feelings..Nothing More Than Feelings

The other night I sat up and watched CAUN sleep by the light of his brite ass cell phone (yea don't act like at some point you haven't sat up and just looked at your mate sleeping, lol ) I just marveled at the structure of his shoulders and back. That's my thing - the rear view of a man, lol. I want to see his shoulders his back, his ass and the back of his thighs and legs. Ya'll know that in my eyes the blackman is the greatest creature ever made, so looking at the slow rising and falling of his smooth beautiful black skin was damn near spiritual. Something else came to my mind as well however, the 'Feelings' of a relationship.

As we know, feelings are a tricky thing. We spent alot of time trying to hide the fact that we have them, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. If a man ain't hard all the time - something is wrong, if a woman is not stern - something is wrong. But in the glow of the cellphone - a whole bunch of feelings surfaced in me. Feelings I have yet to really be able to verbalize. I feel so torn as to how to properly express myself about where I am in my life at this time. I just....feel.

The first thing that overwelms me is the level of PEACE I currently have. It surrounds me and cradles me daily. When you walk into my house - it relaxes you. When I sleep at night it rocks me gently. Peace is such an available but hard thing to acquire. I'm a much more gentler person - part of what I have wanted to do was to take off the overcoat of multiplicity, that as a woman we sometimes have to wear. I was...tired and CAUN came and took that coat off of me and wrapped me in colorful feathers. I barely have a blood pressure at this point. I can pick and choose what aggravates me as opposed to having it assigned to me. CAUN has a new level of peace as well. Everyone has that 'thang' that 'thang' that they pride themselves in and ain't nothing wrong if yours is about your sex - but mine is about the fact that I bring peace to a mans life. CAUN has relaxed and that's a beautiful thang. The shift of his stress has lightened up his shoulders and the bounce in his step is different. His sleep patterns are different. Freeing up his spirit has been something to see. I maintain my conviction that if a man can leave his home and be at peace and come back to in and enter into peace - he will give you the world. When CAUN opens the door, he is greeted excitely by both Mini-me and myself (I've taken to calling his name in the tune of Flava Flav) - you have NO IDEA how just something simple like acknowledging that you missed your man (mate) and you are HAPPY to see them makes them feel and in turn how you benefit from that.

Another feeling that I am experiencing is FREEDOM, I was raised to be free - but like everyone else, I placed shackles on myself. Heavy Heavy shackles that caused me to shuffle when I walked. At different points in time I've broken free only to be recaptured again - well after last year I have set myself free. Now freedom does come with a price and some of it is calculated freedom and some of it is shaky freedom. I was a stress sponge - I would ingest things projected at me and make them mine - I've given back almost everyone's isues back to them and it's certainly freed me up. I am now protecting myself and that is freeing in itself. I have several people currently tapping into my reserves with their issues and whining and problems and what not and I'm listening, offering and cancelling it out of my long term memory. I have always wondered about whether it's wrong to say that with freedom comes a carefree and don't care type of attitude but it does. I just ain't plussed like I used to be. If a person says something that taps on the door to my nerves, I'm shifting so that they miss. It's on you, it ain't on me. The biggest hurdle has been, of course, dealing with the family but I've always had my 'views' and now I am just a sounding board - my views at this point are not going to change - I'm doing me and part of freedom I'm discovering is the preservation of you.

A most powerful feeling and the last one I think I can kinda verbalize is..LOVE - whew ya'll just really don't know, you think you know, but you really don't know, lol lol lol I've been in love before - but ya'll this is different. I think to quote India Arie - I am ready to love and is just washing over me like a waterfall (obviously when I get to saying corny shit like that I mean it, lol). I have spent so many years overpondering relationships - assigning start and finish dates to them and just basically overanalyzing shit - not this time - there is so much I can't even remember, it's all so fuzzy to me. CAUN asks me all the time "when did you know you loved me?" Can't quite say, lol I know that I just looked up and I was in a situation where my number one issue was being addressed full on - I was WANTED and NEEDED. I couldn't do anything but love him after that. We are in tune to one another, protective of each others spirit, consoling of each others sorrow and pain and intertwined within our souls. I have settled quite nicely into the socket in his chest where I'm suppose to be...as...his...rib.

Now believe you me there's still work to be done, we are ever evolving and I'll be dong maintenance and tuneups for the rest of my life but 2006 can definately be identified as my stride culminating on January 20, 2007 - continuing, God Willing, forever.