Friday Fandango

Happy Friday Ya’ll! WOW is all I can say. Ask Anything Thursday was a HUGE SUCCESS! Thanks to everyone who replied. I am sitting here a bit misty eyed. I thought the questions would be more about me, but to discover a lot of them are asking my ‘opinion’ on life is quite humbling. I hope that as I answer these questions, I don’t disappoint you. Remember these are just my opinions and they might not be the ones you want to hear, but they are the ones I have, lol lol

Well in no particular order let me get started:

THE ANSWERS


Q: Forgive me for a possible repeat of a past post, but, how did you meet your future husband?
A: I met CAUN on….Blackplanet (ok folks don’t’ knock me down racing over there). Yep, I met him online. I have been dating, for all practical purposes exclusively online for about 5 years now. I don’t know how it ended up that way but it did. And yes I approached him. His words intrigued me and I left him a message THEN I just got tired of the whole thing and shut down my page, lol He actually kinda tracked me down and it’s been on and poppin since then :)


Q: As a young black single mother it's hard to get out and about to mingle like complete single folks so I was curious how you encountered CAUN.
A: I have never looked at meeting men over the internet as a negative. I have sat as a single mom with NO FAMILY here and not a lot of support system in terms of babysitters and treated it just like a social event. I meet and greet and question and flirt and let it play out. It’s not the last ditch effort folks keep making it out to be. Loonies exist EVERYWHERE. For more cerebral sistas like myself – it was a blessing in disguise – cause I know how to talk and extract stuff. I still recommend to all single sistas to TRY IT. At MINIMUM you will work on your communication skills, your bullshit radar and the projection of who you are.


Q: How did your daughter digest CAUN when they met and knew he wasn't going anywhere?
A: Because I never presented a fantasy to her nor did I overexpose her to men nor did I burden her with grown women issues – she has taken it in stride. What a lot of folks don’t realize is that in these relationships – a child desires that balance. Her entire life, she’s listened to…me. She is damn glad to have another perspective, another ally, and another thought process. She also is glad that my time must be split and I am not sitting around just looking at her. She’s also been quite receptive to the ‘older sister’ thing. Mini-me like I’ve said before name means Calm and Tranquil. She exemplifies this. The bumps we’ve had, she’s come to me and we’ve discussed them and I’ve spoken about change and how hard it is and that it is inevitable because we are not standing still. I don’t profess to think it will be smooth sailing all the way she IS 13, lol but so far so good. It was such a natural progression of our relationship and CAUN is such a gentle man that it’s going well. Now she mentions him as her Step father and she will run to him in a minute because she’s playing good cop/bad cop – think she slick, lol


Q: How do you know when a man is a keeper?
A: My current philosophy is that if the person you with meets 75% of the second level of your criteria and 25% of your first level (which is usually the one where you trippin) then they ‘might’ be a keeper, lol. We think that first list is the most important and we pile all the good stuff Tall, Fit, Religious, blah blah blah but that second subtle list – does he walk with you like he’ll beat a nigga down over you, how does he interact with the rest of the world, does he…share, does he penetrate whatever bullshit you got going and love you anyway…..


Q: You like pop culture right? What Black TV Couple do you and caun most identify with?
A: LOL this is hilarious. I personally have always said I was a hybrid of June Clever and Peggy Bundy. I think CAUN and I are most aligned with…Martin and Gina. That’s how our life goes, lol You wouldn’t believe how full of laughter my house is on a daily basis and it’s been consistent. We are NUTZ. And we thrive off of the hustle, the love and the just being content and happy.


Q: After being single for a while, how are you adjusting to your new life with the fiancé and daughter?
A: I’ve always lived my life as if I’ve had a mate, lol I hang out with married women, I run my household as a ‘wife’ and I have conducted myself as if I’m wife material – so now I just got the other statute on top of the cake, lol. I guess the biggest change has been the projecting outward instead of inward. I can’t hold stuff in or let it fester or over analyze it – CAUN pushes me to live in the present, deal with the past and not let folks rent space in my head – giving me no room to think. OH and I am BUSY! I still have plenty of time for me – but good Lawd they take up a lot of my time now, lol


Q: And while you were dating, did you change your outlook on life to attract your mate?
A: I never changed my outlook but I changed how I presented what I had to offer. I had to learn and unlearn years of training that everyone doesn’t deserve the best of me. I had to learn to step back and let the other person – QUALIFY for me.


Q:And how do you not let others rain on your parade?
A: To be honest, by adopting a more stank attitude. I have become quite protective of what I got going on and how I feel and what is making me happy. The fuck you and the beat down horse you rode in on – seems to be working for me. I am out of control, I know it, lol


Q: I would like to move further along in my relationship of almost 4 years( marriage, children etc.) However, I have issues with my partner's family- they do not respect me as a woman or a human being!! And we have some trust issues-for example: We are on the same cell phone plan, My partner hides their cell phone in the house and I never see the cell phone bill!!! When my partner goes out with friends, my partner does not come home until the next morning!!! My partner does not help out in the house- I cook and clean most of the time. Should I stay or go?
A: A partner is one who is equally invested in the relationship – this is someone you’ve been ‘dating’ for four years. Based on what you have said about the way he is treating aspects of the relationship – the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. My question to you is “Have you developed a concussion yet from ramming your head into the brick wall that is impeding this relationship?” I know it gets comfortable and it looks bleek out here, but you’ve invested 1460 days of your life, life is progressive leading up to the finale…death. Can you live with the possibility that a lot of yours is being spent unhappy and stagnate.


Q: Who is your mom?
A: Oh Lawd. This is my mother.
There are so many people that contribute to the black Diaspora and their works are overshadowed by the ‘tone’ of the message. My mother is one of them. She’s contributed so much to the black book explosion and market. To this day you can’t get her book unless you go through an African American distributor. She has yet to sell directly to the ‘man’. Every little pamphlet that comes out and most black bookstores owe a smidgeon of debt to my mom. In terms to the Infamous book which put her on the map, All I have to say is that if what she said FIFTEEN YEARS AGO was so irrelevant and didn’t apply and was an attempt to slander black woman world wide – sure is funny we are (1) worst off than we were then (2) in more of a crisis (3) losing more and more control of our young people (4) and several of us are in desperate need of a five finger ring pop, lol lol lol lol lol GO FIGURE.


Q: You sure seem full of yourself - why should we care about you?
A: See that’s the thing – I am glad that I am ‘full’ of myself, because it’s emotionally, physically, spiritually damaging to be experiencing drought about yourself. The revelation that everyone should be ‘full’ of themselves is powerful because then it exposes those who want to crack yo game. A person doesn’t have to care about me, but in order for you to make progress in your own life, you should embrace the power of life and living and I think I am a part of that.


Q: Why don't some sistah's give head?
A: Alrightyyy then. Quiet as it’s kept; it seems as if we are under a lot of pressure to ‘perform’ acts that initially were not on our day to day menu. As we explored and attempted to redefine who we were sexually (as if we haven’t always been a sexual people) – we took on ideas that may or may not have been what was best for our Diaspora. Fellatio is a very submissive (for the woman) and trusting (for the man) for example: Never understood why a man would piss a woman off and then try to stick his prized tool down her throat – ooo don’t we have 32 teeth, lol. But anyhoo – if the question is in relation to some chick you dating – why are you trusting your penis in the mouth of anyone you don’t really know to begin with and if it’s in relation to your mate – COMMUNICATION. Have you told dirty stories about the hoes from college who gave head like it was on sale at the Walmart? Women listen to these things and you look hypocritical. You think they were hoes but I’m…not. A lot of black women have problems with sex and their sexuality. A lot of them stem from not having father figures to define those things for them and a warped visual of their own mother’s sexual life (like our kids don’t know). I don’t know what to tell you – but in your qualification process delve verbally into their past about sex and you might find out what your future with them will be like.


Q: Women are often telling guys who are in bad marriages, that they should get out. But in most cases, getting "OUT" means losing custody of your kids not to mention a good financial hit. Finances aside, I think most women are more inclined to end a bad marriage because they don't suffer the hard choices when it comes to their kids. What do you think?
A: let it be known that when a woman divorces her chances to slip into poverty rise SHARPLY. In my opinion, women take the harder hit in divorces. We can’t just…walk away. A lot of us become stagnate in moving on or finding another mate and we sometimes give up YEARS of our lives because we have children at home. So though there needs to be equality – I am a believer that some women take the ‘female’ moniker and abuse it. We think we have this privilege or right based on our gender. We have abused our position as women and a lot of us no longer even qualify for the title. I wish that a man could go to court and charge the woman with some of the foolish we put ya’ll through. However, the outcome of divorce or separation for women is much more damaging.


Q: When do we know it's time to let go??
A: Only the individual can know when it’s time to let go. Everyone has different thresholds for pain and discontent, some people, as sad as it is, can’t function unless there is dysfunction. When your spirit becomes a shell of what it was or your environment becomes toxic – it’s time to go, but then again – some people’s essence of greed or arrogance keeps them there until it just implodes upon itself. Why do folks want to live like that.


Again, I have really enjoyed this and I tell yah – I feel like I could be a columnist somewhere. I need to start me up a group somewhere and see how it goes. An advice column – hmmm interesting.