This gentleman may mean well and have the very best of intentions in giving black women hope. But it would have given us a clearer picture if he first had provided us with the percentage of young black adults (age 21-45) married out of the whole adult black population and then the percentage of those who married black people. Is it around 30%, 35% or 40%? That leaves 70% of us not married. I don't mean to be nitpicking with the numbers, but I just wanted to highlight that not many of us marry anymore. Not even at the rate that our parents and grandparents did. We need to know why?

Although this brother nicely outlined some suggestions, believe me we southern sisters already know this stuff plus more. We were brought up from the time we were babies to take care of future husbands and babies. By the time we were a year or two years old we were holding baby dolls talking about this is my little girl or boy. *lol* I had BabyAlive. I'm just saying. We were taught the following:

1) Be able to cook very well. I got an Easybake oven at 8 and I graduated to the real stove by 12. Back then I could bake a cake, chicken, and cook almost any kind of meal.

2) Always be clean. Be pretty and smell good. Wear pretty clothes and keep the hair and nails pretty.

3) Keep a nice home. Clothes and dishes must be clean. Work yourself like a slave keeping the place clean.

4) From an early age, older women would tell me to play down my career aspirations. Just smile and listen to his. *boo hiss* Why can't we listen to each other's goals with respect and honor?

5) Let the man be the man.

All in all, I don't disagree with these suggestions, but I've got to know that the brother is upgrading himself too. If the right brother would approach me, I'd show him how a man is supposed to be treated with dinner and all. He'll hit the jackpot. But until then, I'll be over here on the couch watching tv chilling. *smile*

I guess my observations from your post would be:

how come everytime a black man expresses what he 'thinks' about relating to us as women - we have GOT to answer?

If we were all so perfect down here in the 'south' why are so many of us single?

It's no secret that alot of us have those skills you listed, so exactly what is the problem, if so many of us are quick to jump on all of our positives.

Exactly what is the 'perfect' man - do you have a movie and a script where only you know how the characters are suppose to act?

Why is it so important to us to know that everyone is upgrading and what not,just cause someone mentioned that 'we' need to do some housecleaning ourselves?

Just questions evoked from your words.

As women, we've always and are always looking at ways to get and keep a man. How many of us over-analyze our previous relationships and try to prethink our future ones? We try to determine the best outfits we should wear, if we should color our hair, if we could cook a better meal, to do little nice things just to show our men that we're thinking about them. So after we get finished cooking their meals, washing their clothes, listening to their thoughts, and providing them some good loving, we single sisters wonder where we went wrong. We women always think something is wrong with us. We're too fat, skinny, loud, quite, smart, dumb, etc. But please note that I wasn't shooting down the brothers opinions; I was just respectfully adding mutual dialogue. We have to know what each other thinks and feels in order for us black men and black women to move forward.

The women in the generations before us have always talked of upgrading/housecleaning. And now we are. Our magazines are full of articles on what we should do. Have you seen any men's magazines giving tips on how they can become better fathers and husband? I doubt it. The only time I can say I've seen men get together was for the Million Man March, for which I still highly respect.

The problem is that 1/2 of black humankind (we women) can't answer these answers alone. It takes two to make a couple. We need our men to join us. If we are going to upgrade, we need to do it together. I've spent a lifetime thinking thoughts on how to treat my future husband well, but is a man thinking the same way? That's what the older black married men who have been married for more than 40 years have told me. And they claim we single black folks aren't married, because our generation (males and females) is too busy skirting responsibility whether it be as spouses, parents, and responsible citizens of our community. Folks want the fun and none of that responsibility. It's the older men who told me that and not my female friends. They've got a point. My uncle once told me, "Babygirl, don't go weakening a man by babying him. He's got to stand like a man. You women are to be submissive to a man, but don't be one to no pair britches (pants)."

As women we have an inherent sense of wanting to fix everthing, but we can't do it alone. We need our other halfs to join us in the upgrade. There is no such thing as a perfect man or woman. It's about the process of coming together and respecting each other. I never ever believed in perfection; it simply doesn't exist. If a brother is willing to step to me and have us work together at making things work, then I'd be the next one to be married.

THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF "THE CLOSET"
In the wake of all of the recent sex scandals in the past couple of years, months, weeks and days in Washington and now the leader of the evangelicals. Obviously because of their high profile positions in our society these s

tories tend to monopolize the news. For this reason I believe it is high time that the phenomenon of “the closet” needs to be addressed and understood. I rarely hear of “the closet” even discussed as playing an enormous role and contributing factor on whether it is newsworthy or not. I believe it essential to discuss “the closet” to provide the necessary context from which to view some of these scandals. This discussion needs to be civilized, and our knee jerk reactions and judgments held in check. We need to discuss this subject with compassion. The closet, meaning where people hide their sexual orientation, whether one is a man or woman but particularly I am speaking of men at this time because I believe men use the closet even more often than woman because of societies more narrow view and expectations of what behaviors are considered acceptable and “normal” for men. Woman can be tomboys much easier than men can be sissies. Of course not all gay men are effeminate by a long shot but that is a stereotypical image of gay men and therefore many men attempt to cover up any behaviors they may have and believe may bring unwanted suspicion onto them. Therefore men, whether they be gay or straight, will practice stereotypical masculine behaviors to thwart any suspicion out of fear and/or necessity. This is especially true if they feel pressure to do so to protect their careers, career advancement, fear of social denunciation or for a variety of other reasons whether they have difficulties reconciling their religious views with their natural inner feelings and same sex attractions. These are however the most common reasons for men to join the astounding numbers of other men that are also hiding in the closet.

The fear of being discovered can be enormous and absolutely terrifying. These men will often then do whatever they believe society expects from them. They will marry and have children out of desperation in an always unsuccessful attempt at suppressing these natural longings and hoping that they will eventually go away. These powerful feelings of attraction that we all know very well and have all experienced ourselves whether toward the same sex or the opposite sex, it’s all still the same. They may also marry and have homosexual secret liaisons with men and feel terrible guilt in doing so. They will do their very best to compartmentalize their lives the best that they can. However I believe and have found while researching my book that the longer one stays in the closet the more damage is done. It is generally very difficult to compartmentalize ones life for long without developing some emotional problems begin developing in varying degrees and manifesting in a variety of ways. Many closeted men develop coping mechanisms such as addictive behaviors of all sorts whether they are alcoholism, prescription or non prescription drug abuse. They may develop addictions to pornography, sexual addiction or other self-destructive ways of acting out. Once again unfortunately the longer one stays in the closet there will then also generally be more victims because of their closeted lifestyle choice. The victims may be their wives and children, their friends, parents and siblings. All feeling like they have been betrayed and deceived when the closeted individuals true nature is discovered as it was for ex-governor of New Jersey, Mr. McGreevy, ex-congressmen Foley and now the president of the Evangelicals, to name just a few of the staggering number of men that have also been hiding their true selves. I feel very sad for the victims as well as I very much understand the humiliation, despair, and profound depression that the closeted individual feels that soon follows once that door to the closet is flung open. For some, the shame and fear is just too unbearable and suicide seems like the only alternative to ending their unbearable pain and shame.

Society needs to take some responsibility with this matter of the closet by being more accepting of alternative lifestyles. Without the closet, try and imagine how much less pain many people and families would have to endure. Not only the ones that feel that living in the closet is their only alternative, but for the victims that find themselves feeling betrayed and the breaking up of families that soon follows. We as a culture have some soul searching to do on this matter and not be so self-righteous. There are a variety of ways of loving and living. We need to accept the fact that, which seems to be normal for some is not necessarily normal for all. With that said in no way excuses adult men from making wrong choices that victimize others such as the irresponsible behaviors demonstrated by the now ex-congressmen Foley. I'm not even going to go so far as to say his closeted behaviors are the reason for his conduct. I don't know. I don't know him. However, as I said the closet can cause deep and very troubling emotional problems that can eventually manifest in abhorrent behaviors. This may or may not be the cause of his behaviors. However one thing I do know is that he does know what's right and wrong and as he surely knew, his attractions to young teens, although may not be technically illegal, is however an inappropriate attraction and should have sought therapy before creating victims. However, because there is still so much shame yet in this day and age in our rather hypocritical puritanical society, cause many gays not to seek help concerning issues they may be struggling with from the appropriate professionals. I generally do not recommend clergy because it can cause further damage due to their religious agendas which can deepen one's shame and depression. This is a very complicated issue that society has to become more compassionate about or we will continue to shame many people with same sex attractions enough that will continue to inhibit many from being true to themselves from the beginning or it may prevent them from seeking the appropriate help for any specific personal issues in which they may be struggling with.

One can read more about this issue and many other disturbing issues involving gay culture of today in my new book; "why gay men do what they do", an inside look at gay culture. Thank you, Aaron Jason Silver
www.aaronjasonsilver.com

WOW
This is DEEP.....