It's A Family Affair

I have found that blogging allows me to 'see' from a different angle than when I journal. I wanted to do some 'repair' work on a particular topic and so I've chosen this week to do a five part series on something I don't talk about alot if at all on the blog - the family. It's going to be rambling, it's going to be full of holes and sometimes only make sense to me, but bear with a Sista while I try to make some progress on a rather touchy and very personal subject...

The Brady Bunch Were Perfect

I started making up imaginary families when I was around seven. I remember vividly that I wanted more Brothers than Sisters - I can't remember their names, but I found great solace in the fact that they were very much like the Brady Bunch.

However, that was only a dream. I lived a real live life and it was NOT the Brady Bunch and it would never be. Be careful what you wish for, lol I got all those Brothers and a heap of damn Sisters as well. There are twelve of us in all, with me being the oldest girl and I have two additional sisters from my biological father.

Like alot of kids, I come from dysfunction coupled with a different family life - WAYY different. Because of this I have always looked at and longed for...a regular family. That feeling is the crux of alot of family issues I have today. I just wanted to be like the neighbors and still do. Can we just have Thanksgiving together, be a close knit family, can I know my nieces and nephews, can we have engagements, weddings, bbq's? Can we visit each other and be happy? Can it not 'cost' something to be together? Can we have sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws? Can we gather and not have guilt attached to it? Out of all these kids and parents (there's plenty of those too) - we have, as far as I'm concerned, no cohesiveness - no family bonding and quite frankly, I can do without the whole lot of them and THAT's a scary thing to feel.

I hang on to family ties because that's what you are supposed to do, but it's not something that in my heart I feel that I need. I think that you can 'create' family (like mine was created actually) and surround yourself with the positive and necessary energy that you need.

My solo envy and jealousy issue surrounds folks who do everyday ordinary family things. The friend who can take her kids to her sisters and they can stay and it doesn't cost and it doesn't require her to keep her sisters kids. The friend who can have a shower and her mom can come and be around her daughters peers and be casual and be herself. The daughter who says that her mom is her best friend........

I struggle alot with wanting to just break off and leave my family alone and it would be completely possible if not for...MINI-ME. I can't have her suffer because of my issues. She deserves famiy ties and I place all my energy concerning that to her and making sure she had the bonds - however dysfunctional as well, with family. All kids have a list of stuff they compile to charge their families with, but that won't be one of them. I have spent thousands of dollars facilitating her 'family connection'. It offers me a bit of peace - but not much.

I don't really know how to resolve my feelings about my family because the monster has many tenacles of issues.

Sometimes, I'm almost convinced that I've imagined it all. I say this because one side of the coin has this great childhood and actually I did have one. I had no real drama, no physcial violence, no drug abuse, no remnants of being a child of divorce, none of that stuff - so why am I even complaining? Because regardless to how it rates on the 'I should feel blessed scale' the issues are REAL to me. They have cause me anxiety attacks and to go into therapy at one point and time. They have caused my friends hours and hours of their lives while I try to verbalize the stress.

If the rule is to walk away from things that cause you stress and/or pain and I've taken an entire year to get to the point of the blessings I am receving now - why is it mandatory that you stick it out with your family?

Arghhhh - it makes my head hurt.....

Here is a picture of "Janet" and I at the shower this weekend. Now all that needs to happen is that he comes on out, lol