That which is Mini-Me

Ahh my baby. I haven't spoken about her in awhile, but she is doing fine. Four months into being thirteen and still standing, lol. As I hugged her last night and completed a ritual we have had since she came out the womb, I thought about when I held her entire body in my hands and now how I just kinda awkwardly hold her face because she looking me in the eye. How I would be tucking her in at this ritual and now I'm telling her she better be in bed by 11 now. How I would go downstairs and make sure her clothes were laid out etc. and now how I just go downstairs. My how time flies.

I think I mentioned before that as my journey unfolded and all kinds of things were popping off to and for me - she was experiencing the Jr. and when you think about it forced upon version as well. 2006 was a year of alot of "Come sit down mommy wants to talk to you" conversations and they aren't over yet as our world continues to twist and turn.

I wonder sometimes if I've done right by my child and then I squash that thought. I've been blessed to move about in this world and make things happen. I don't have any regrets as to how I've manipulated my life or jobs or anything else to raise my daughter. I've been SOO blessed in this area to have support systems that have faciliated me leading a somewhat 'charmed' single mom life. I went on assistance (yes that is a chapter of my life) after my husband passed so that I could stay home with her. I then switched to Widow benefits so I could stay home some more. I acquired skills that allowed me to work 'traditional' 9-5 Monday-Friday hours. I developed budgeting habits (that wern't right but worked) that kept us with an active exploratory lifestyle. I carved out an untraditional social life to take care of me, that allowed me to take care of her. She has had a seamless, well adjusted, well traveled, well fed/clothed/taken care of life. You damn right I'm poppin my collar on that one.


I worry about the effect my messed up family is having on her, the condition of her cousins, the lack of 'family' like she would want it. My issues with all of this and how that affects her. My lack of religious interest and it's impact on her life living in the bible belt. The world out there and the effect it's having on her. The cracking of the careful shell you place around your child is happening to mine's and I just dont' want her to fall out the egg.

She is a good child. She's never given me any problems and even today as she deals with all the things that comes with 13, she is still a good child in the house and more importantly out. I can clearly remember I dispised my mother when I was 13. Wrote volume and volumes about our disconnect and the foot in my neck. I worked hard to make sure that I had her by the waist but did not have my foot in her neck, so I know she doesn't like me, but she doesn't dispise me and that's a good thing. Most 13 year old don't like their parents, lol I'm glad that we are having a 'normal' mother/daughter relationship at this point. I can't ask for anything else.

She is a good student. She wants to succeed, she is in love with herself and that propels her to want to be the best she can be, yet it causes her great pain because she's constantly bombarded with others who give her self doubt. I want to cry when I see my baby trying to 'be' like 'others' while understanding that in reality they probably just want to be like her. I dont' want her reaching DOWN to be accepted, I want her to make folks reach UP. However, logically I understand that 'belonging' at 13 is so important. But the mother and the cocky mother with the beautiful child in me has to really quell the Matthew Knowles in me cause I gots me a Beyonce DON'T HATE!


We did a little exercise where we asked her to write things other 13 year olds can do/have/participate in that she can't and then the flip side of that. The first side made us laugh aloud at some things and just shake our head: apparently 13 year olds can choose what they want for dinner and don't have to sit down with the family, dont' have to be off the phone at 9:30pm, can have boys call, get money automatically when they go to the mall, get a new outfit and sneakers every month, have myspace pages, get relaxers and a couple of other things. The list on the reverse was way more telling and poignant, she doesn't have to get up and get her brothers and sisters ready for school cause her mom just got home from work, she doesn't have to wonder where her parents are, she is not being abused and/or molested by her step father, she has every modern convenience, she travels extensively, she sits down with her parents and eats a meal cooked by her mom most nights, she is exposed to theatre, art, drama, she has....parents now, she was not exposed to bad men her mom was dating, she is not left to fend for herself, she is allowed to be...13. Hmmmmm.


Mini-me has after 13 years (reminds me of CL Smooth's song TROY) got a father in the house. He arrived just in time. Pushing ahead of Raekwon and nem looking with their 13 year old dicks and minds alert and bricked, mortared and spackled a STRONG introduction to the wonders of man. She was wide eyed for awhile, but now very quietly and slowly, I've become a figure running tandem with her but in the background. It fills my heart with indescrible joy when she bounds down the steps to get 'her time' with CAUN. She wants him to come upstairs, she wants to show him things, she has conversation, she asks him questions, she puts him to the test. She made him a Valentine Day card and it came from within her and not from a template of 'you should do this'. I will NEVER be replaced in her life, but the joy that is having two is evident.


So every day is a new day and you never know what's going to happen. We might get joyful, singing Mini-me, or we might get whining mini-me, or we might get I"m going to my room mini-me or we might get a mini-me that needs to reprimanded. We have more hurdles to address from I'm not sure I like this whole younger sister thing to I dont' know if I want to visit my family, they work my nerves - but we are going to make it.

A most prolific moment happen in Vegas. I presented her with a necklace before the wedding and she said "Mom imagine one day you will be putting this necklace back on me because it's my wedding day" Hmm, let me stop - I'm about to....cry.