My Life My Life My Life

It was 96 degrees, but luckily our seat was in the shade. As we got all set up, folks were coming in steadily. I love Chastain! The entire vibe, and as a black person this is heaven - sitting outside, eating and listening to music, lol.

My people, My people. I think that I have come to the conclusion that our bodies were made for flowing fabrics - I don't care how shapely you are - we look FLICTED in these tight ass clothes we insist on wearing. It just takes something away from us, in my opinion. The sistas who had on the beautiful flowing tops and dresses looked so attractive, so alive. I guess I just like the natural look. Now the whole shorts, stiletto's and greased legs CAN be sexy and I saw a couple of sistas who put it together right - but the problem arises when you are: Knock kneed, pigeon toed, rusty/crusty kneed and all that other stuff we might have going on.

The "Kids" were in full effect and their table scapes were to DIE FOR! table cloths, fine wine glasses, long candles in beautiful candle holders. Just F-A-B-U-L-U-O-U-S.

The Brothers were in effect. Not alot of originality. Linen will be the death of a brother, lol. They know if you say go out - that's what they are putting on, lol I didn't see anyone that really caught my eye, funny I pretty much only have eyes for CAUN.

The evening started out with a bit of turbulance, but it was slowly calming down. As we ate watermelon and sipped on Sparkling Grape Juice - Atlanta's own 112 opened up the night. All I got to say is THEY AIN'T NO NEW EDITION!! They didn't even match!! Now, and this is the truth, I was telling CAUN they sounded nice and he was like "Pam their set is ova! They left the stage" Damn! Didn't even realize it, lol lol lol and I was looking at the stage. There were so many negroes milling around - they got lost in the crowd! I mean they sung a couple of songs I know but alot of their stuff I didn't. I also kept expecting that hater R.L. (from MEXT) to show up and proclaim they wern't a group, lol

So we waited a bit longer and then there she was in a simple white strapless top and while slacks and some sandles. Hair in a pony as it was on the BET Awards. What came next was unexpected on my part. I enjoy her, especially seeing as upon inspection, I have ALL of her CD's, lol but I can't say I was a...fan. As a matter of fact, this is the first female headlined concert I've ever been too in all my concerting. I don't do women.....

Well I LOVED THIS SHOW! Now I wasn't jumping up and down, but she was in rare form. She was humble, personable and her voice sounded good! She was on key (CLAY, lol) and she was doing her thang.

You know alot of artists got 'issues' and they alot of times tell us their story through their music - think "Damita Jo", but as I listened to her and this concert - I gained some respect for Mary and her journey cause her music pretty much is her journey. It was like listening to her songs - all of a sudden I....got it. I mean if you are on any kind of journey and have yourself come to a breakthrough - then you would....get it. Alot of sistas in the spot were mesmerized and just rocking back and forth - living their journey, feeling her voice (which even off key is hauntingly painful) and going there.

CAUN has a dazed look in his eye. He was so enjoying himself and as I sat there - I just loved him more and more because to see him happy and peaceful made me happy and peaceful. I mean to give to a person who is used to only giving and never receiving and to see them soak in the blessing of....gift, is just nice. It makes my heart feel good.

Now Mary's show was just not long enough! We were out of the park by 9:40 or so and then the adventure started. Chastain is a pain in the ass with that parking! We had parked in a bowl and of course some idiots corked up the bowl with their cars so all of us were just trapped in the damn bowl until they showed up and then figured out how to get the hell out themselves. I am sooo tired of Chastian Park! Yet I love it!

So it was another beautiful evening under the stars with the man I love - you know as part of my 'dream' I really wanted to do things, to be outdoors, to stop running into the man who wanted to 'date' on the couch. CAUN is such a free spirit - that he and I are eager to do so many things. I mean when you get my age - your range of motion opens up a bit more and you wanna do things and lo and behold - I was given a man who wants to do things as well.

I give the concert a A and the evening an A+

Cast Away!

Mini-me got the cast off today! Her leg is not as atrophied as we thought. For those not in the know - during spring break Mini-me shattered her knee cap doing the limbo at Piedmont Park. She's had surgery, screws and a cast for awhile now. Tsk Tsk Tsk.

Now it's about getting that knee bending and getting her range of motion back. No braces etc. she just has her crutches. It's a mind game for the most part. Let her get comfortable and find her footing and begin to work her own knee. We know that pain we inflict upon ourselves is better than if I started moving her knee.

In six weeks, she's going in for day surgery so they can take a look inside and make sure it's really healing and then about 4-6 MONTHS of physical therapy 2x a week. Alrightyy then!

She's been cleared to travel and should be heading out of here on Monday or Tuesday!



This evening CAUN and I are headed to Chastain Park (an Amphitheatre) to see Mary J. Blige! This was his main Fathers Day gift. He's her biggest fan. We went here to see New Edition, so I know it's gonna be nice and we actually have seats this time.

I love the ambience of Chastain. We are bringing our little table tray and cooler and sitting out under the starts munching, sipping and chilling a la grown folks style. I put together a nice little summer spread: Curry chicken salad, macaroni salad, chunked watermelon, sweet/sour wings, cheese. I have a little wine and sparkling grape juice chilling (ya'll know CAUN don't drink) and it should be a nice night.

Mini-me is currently soaking in a hot tub (ya'll do the math on that entire leg cast that you can't get wet) and after she finishes that (and playing with Mermaid Barbie) we're heading out to 'Janets', who has so graciously agreed to keep an eye on her while we go to the concert.

I'm looking forward to us going out - we haven't been on a just us date in a couple of weeks and this should be sexy/cool. This will be out fourth concert! We have seen Prince, R Kelly, New Edition and now Mary J. We doing it big time!

I am LOVING my life at this moment and if you all knew all that I know (and will in due time) ya'll would be loving it as well!

"Ring kay ho num yo ho" Good grief my mind is all over the place. This is getting a bit annoying! I need to sit in the dark and zone out for a minute and get back centered. I'm not emotionally unstable - just scattered. I carry around three folders at all times - to stay organized. Maybe I"m not even scattered, but I 'feel' that way. The crazy thing is I am loving it! I had such a long span of 'downtime' that this upswing has me jittery, lol Such is life!

What it be people! This blog is up and running and it's starting to pick up a little speed. Thanks to any new readers that have come aboard and especially thanks to my 'crew' who have followed a sista. Please feel free to give me a shoutout to the right of the board on my little messenger.

Of course I need to give my five cents about Bubba Eddie Tyrone nem giving some awards. I used to be so sharp with my recaps but I have to BOW, KNEEL and SUBMIT to two people on this one CLAY CANE and TRENT JACKSON - if you do nothing else - go read their recaps. As always CRUNK and DISORDERLY is blasting you with the pictures.

Here are my comments however:


This show had no defining moments like the lap dance last year but it was good - lot's of good performances.

• Damon it just seemed like he really was not in touch with the music scene so he didn't know how to relate to them. I wish Marlon and Shawn had of hosted.



• Busta looks like he's growing out of himself, lol his back is HUGE!!!!! Missy was there Hiswife - she was with him on his performance. I've come to the conclusion that I am a 'listener' of hip hop and not a 'viewer' There are very few performances of my favorite songs that do it for me. I have every incarnation of that damn song on my IPOD and that performance fucked it up for me!



• Prince Prince Prince - I just love the way he does his own thing,lol I was speechless when he actually came up and accepted that award.



• Janet shaping her body back to her "Pleasure Principle Days' Lawd -I too had a Lesbian moment. Pull Ova that ass TOO PHAT!



• Chaka apparently had Rufus hid up under that bustle. Good Lawd! That woman got a shelf booty.



• As Jamet proclaimed - "I am not my scalp" India Irie go head gurl! LOL



• Prince and Stevie that was a moment.



• Vivica bringing back the old hollywood glamour with "I love niggas" tatooed on her arm (not really) - go head, lol



• To be YOUNG! That cutie Chris Brown! Ya'll his album is quite good.



• Jamie irks me but Fantasia was trying to go for hers, lol



• Mary been rocking those catsuits since "What's the 411" but that zipper up her ass - was not cute - the boots were however.



• I hope nothing is wrong with Danny Glover - he seemed as if he were coming off an illness



• Harry Belafonte - He could get it



• TI was not translating well - even with sound problems



• Could we nip the peg leg pants in the bud...NOW. Diddy your thighs too thick

Overall I give it a B - It will repeat on Saturday July 1st.

Mini-me gets her cast off tomorrow. Mini-me, Mini-me - I am trying so hard and I will try even harder to properly digest this influx of hormones that have overtaken her body. She's not being disrespectful or any of that, but she's just.........mad all the time. Totally wrecking my flow! I can't even pinpoint what it is that she's angry about and neither can she. I know that everything that's happening to me is happening to her. She's having to adjust to a situation that as a child is out of her control. However, her life hasn't changed that much - she's still Princess Number One. I've been flying off the handle a bit (and believe you me being checked on my 'tone' of voice by CAUN has NOT been fun -but sometimes you need another ear and we are never too old to be told what's right - see if you are comfortable with the word submit, you can fight through the 'emotion' and deal with the....truth) - It just seems that the entire atmosphere is so jovial and she has this dark funky cloud hanging over her head. I remember twelve and I have PROOF I was a bitch when I was that age - but my mom didn't try to communicate with me, and I suffered for it - so I will continute to try to communicate but not give in or kiss child ass in the process. I want to make sure that we still have our mother/daughter time etc. but change comes and it is ALWAYS difficult and we'll make it through this. I know we will, but I may explode in the process.

*Yea that's a wig, lol*

Don't Stop Get It Get It Soooo as I was shuffling my Magic City folder on the IPOD and getting my poppin on in the car this morning - my mind was shuffling as well. Ya'll won't believe all the things I have going on. File drawers opening/closing, folders flying all over the place. Some things I'll be divulging on here in good time and some things just need to stay in the folder, lol

But ANYHOO - my mind was awhirl while I was yelling Santa Claus Coming........

• Why when I walk in the Picadilly Cafeteria door I speak relatively standard english, but by the time I get to the end of the line, I am back on the plantation?! I go from Good Afternoon to Yes mem I be wanting me dat der korncake der mam....do they ask the people to speak first to make sure they have the most southern sounding voices?!



• Mini-me and I sitting watching a little TV; Mini Me: Mom how will I know I've conceived? Me: When you wake up in traction you'll go 'wow I've conceived'; Mini-me and I continue to watch TV.



• Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend was HOT like me? Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Laid It Down Like Me? Don't Cha? - CAUN's been singing...again



• When I get to my last month of school - I'm going to starting aligning myself to pledge Delta Graduate Chapter - might as well complete the entire experience I feel I missed....



• Why am I so afraid to just sit down and write the book(s) inside my head



• I have become quite 'fast' as my boss calls me, lol I have been dressing up every day, hair all cutey, switching when I walk and basically just in love with my damn self. I've become enamoured with my bosoms so the girls have been enjoying some special attention. They are loving being out and about and being able to see the world! I am LOVING ME!!



• Why do I get up in the middle of the night and just sit quietly and watch CAUN sleep?



• I put up a myspace page - but why do I feel neglected over there, lol What is the 'catch'?



• Mini-me is about to start her whirlwind summer tour leaving this Friday returning July 22nd or so



• Why are CAUN and I trembling at this very thought? Maxwell - the cops will come a knocking, lol



• I think CAUN will scream like a "B" when Mary J. comes on stage Thursday evening, lol but I'll never telllllll........



• I hope my readership has tracked a sista down!

Let me leave you all with a couple of shots of CAUN enjoying Fathers Day. This was his first real one, being acknowledged as the great Dad he is. I decorated the house with streamers (it's still up and quite festive when we get home), balloons and he had a chest of gifts and cards etc. From Mary J. Tickets at Chastian, to Sean John Shirts, a very nice card from Momma CAUN to a deluxe emergency roadsite kit from my moms. We went to the movie and I cooked him one of his favorite meals Salmon. We all catered to him on that day and filled his life with LOVE, and APPRECIATION.

I think mini-me said it best in her card (paraphrasing):

"Every since you came into our lives all you've done is love and take care of us. I am happy and mommy is happy" AMEN!

Castration

"Let me have them - you have a man now" - I sat staring at him as if he had lost his mind.

They usually appear when there are decisions to be made, or when each of our halves are brought to the table. I get cold and clammy and my pulse begins racing and like magic - they descend from my being and swing proudly - what are they.....my FEMALE BALLS.

Most blackwomen have a pair. Especially if you are single and it's mandatory if you are a single mom. They start out small, inconspicuous because we are fighting the situation where we have to even have them. Eventually however, they mature and become these 'entities' that appear whenever we need...Strength. They help us through so many situations (1) buying the car (2) getting the good job (3) renting and/or acquiring property (4) the mechanic (5) bringing in the baby, stroller, groceries off the bus! and (5) weeding out the wrong man. When they descend, we get a swagger, our tone changes, our back straightens and we develop a forcefield to be reckoned with.

Unfortunately, so many of us have actually allowed them to swing and grow all the time. We've lost our ability to pull them back up and resume a more 'natural' (don't fall over - you really were made to be feminine and the woman and the helpmate in the duo) stance in the world. We've gone out and got boxer/briefs and totally let that appendage we grew out of necessity take over. We get down with the best of them - we don't need any help, a negro betta not jump bad, tell us what to do, try to give us some advice or exert his own....balls. We make money, we own shit, we go places, we are in control of our bodies - what the hell I need you for?!

(INSERT JILL SCOTT'S I NEED YOU HERE!)

Our Testosterone has become so strong, our balls so big, we are hairy and they are hanging and swanging like a champion. It's like Kryptonite to the Brothers and alot of them have decided to just submit, you think it's an accident that we've been reduced to ass/hips/titties? He swung that pendulum because he had to go to the raw primal instincts cause he just don't feel like dealing with the work it would take to REALLY be with us, and this would guarantee the continuation of himself - cause we know when all fails - we'll be...fucking.

'You have a man now' had become a calming catchphrase in my relationship. It is used to reel me back in. Not from being uncivilized or anything like that, but to help me exhale. As black women (in particular) we speak frequently about the need to 'exhale', to release that which is built up inside. Only those who have been blessed to experience it will know that for most of us, our 'lungs' are so congested that a true breathing experience takes....time.

I no longer am holding my breath, but there is a sort of panting going on as if I am actually birthing something. I've been holding it in for so long, I had lost the mechanism that indicates when you need to breathe. So first, I put myself on a ventilator and it was working fine, but now I must step out and breathe on my own.

My lung capacity is expanding daily - I can take nice deep breaths about alot of things. I have my inhaler when I get overwhelmed in situations such as......child rearing, purchases for the home etc. Things that have been soley my domain - I need TWO inhalers for some stuff - but I'm ready! I'm ready to shrivel up these balls, totally clear out my bronchial tubes and breathe deeply!!

So I work daily - because it won't come naturally. I'm 'advanced' in some of my thought processes about these things - yet, it's difficult for me as well. It's a learned behaviour and so it has to be unlearned, and you have to replace it with a new idea, a new thought process, a new way of doing things. Giving up a portion of your power for some sistas is utterly impossible, but I see the benefit of the power shift and the new powers that I will obtain by stopping from trying to manipulate the situation with my...balls.

CAUN held his hand out and I grabbed it and held on tight. I told him that I couldn't just rip them off and give them to him - I would bleed out, but that each time he 'works' with me, and comforts me and takes a little pebble off my shoulders -they were shrinking.

Say what you will about the blackman and his condition (as if we don't know it) - but his continued desire and attempt to take on us and our full frontal bullshit*, is definately ordained by God. Cause personally, I wouldn't even fuck with me and I ain't even that bad, lol lol.


*I don't subscribe to the 50/50 principle, as in it's his fault too. Let a man discuss where they went wrong, I discuss US and our part in this disconnect between us. If you want 'equality' in that manner - make your own damn blog!

Welcome! Please Line Up To the Right & We Can Begin Our Tour

Wow! Welcome! I’m soooo excited! My new digs! Now it kinda went to the left in terms of what I initially wanted to do but I’m LOVING my new space and I should have some fun over here.

For those that don’t know me – I’m Pamela aka Pamalicious aka Mariah (the alter ego). I started a journey of Emancipation from the ills that plagued me over a year ago and was set free in a powerful way – I took a break and now I’m back to let you know what it feels like to be FREE.

Before we go on – let me take you on a quick tour of the new and improved spot. As you can see, I’ve expanded to three columns (like a lot of folks). I am giving you more of what I’m about and offering up some interactive modules as well. You can now send me a quick shout as well as solicit my advice about something. I’m letting you know what I’m listening to, where I’m surfing and who I’m reading. I’m also now giving you my ‘Hollylicious Moment’ (I love that!) where I’ll be just giving you some blurbs about what’s happening in the entertainment world that caught my eye. If you want to know more we have Young Black Fabulous and Crunk and Disorderly to give it to you RAW!

As always, let me stop and give a moment of reverence to my Blogfather ROD 2.0. He is responsible for me beginning this whole blogging thing. Make sure in addition to him, you check out all the blogs I’m reading. I have to add some new ones to the mix – but I keep a busy blog schedule.

In addition to me, there is a cast of characters that are frequently spoken about in my world – let me introduce you to the crew:

• CAUN – The Man taking me on a journey of estascy – Love Under New Management


• MINI ME – My daughter the 12 year old miniature me


• JANET – my best friend who is channeling Janet Jackson in all her fabulousness

Soo – sit back, tilt your computer screen and peek inside the various crevices of this mind of mine.

COMING UP THIS EDITION OF PAM’S LIFE:

• The continuing Love story of Pamalicious and CAUN


• Chilling with the Africans


• Mary J – I’m your biggest fan


• The First Official Fathers Day Extravaganza – a backtrack


• Picadilly and me


• We’re Moving On Up


• We ain’t got no kids


• Mom – get this cast OFF!


• and……A LOT MORE!