That Thing Called Friendship

I was going to speak on something else this morning, but then I had an episode that caused me to switch gears.


I can remember when I was around 10 or so, I was sitting outside my step mothers house looking across the street. These three girls were having soo much fun and I was so afraid being the new kid on the block to cross the street. Well she sat next to me and said "If you don't go over there and introduce yourself, you will get a spanking" LOL LOL So I marched my little behind right over there and that walk began the crux for most of my childhood! You talking about friendship. Lawd have mercy! It was deep, it was real, it was valid.

We all are interesting characters and all possess certain issues that are unique to us. When it comes to female friendships, my stance is that in actuality I am not but so keen on having alot of women around me. I've never felt comfortable with the mindset of most black women when it came to certain things - so if I find someone who I can identify with then it's on. Now being 'social' I turn out to have alot of females in my presence, lol What a paradox. However, there are VERY few people that I call friends. Because of my stance - when I do have a friendship it is pivital in my life and means something to me.

At one time, I said I didn't have any 'best' friends, because I wanted everyone to have equal billing, my philosophy was that all of my 'friends' are like spokes in a wheel and they all contribute to keep me moving. I knew who to call when I needed a particular kind of answer/advice/friendship and who to call when I need some 'tough love'. In actuality I can name who I consider 'friends' on one hand and that has now morphed into my new philosophy. My friends are like my hand and as my fingers have different lenghts so do the scope of our friendship. Therefore based on my longest finger, I do have a best friend.

Now to my deficit, I am crunk most of the time, an attention whore and like to be the leader of the friendships, lol As well as I am reactionary and if you catch me on the wrong day - I will cancel.

Not to long ago, I abruptly cut a 'friend' off because she just proved to not be loyal. Erased and blocked emails and all kinds of stuff. Do NOT ever contact me again for any reason. At the same time - there was a brewing with another friend that was coming across as 'hate' and though this is probably flawed with my 'in your face' type manner; if I see that you are not able to handle my positivity and it begins to manifest itself in (as perceived by me) a negative sense - then I gots to do something about it. Well this morning it bubbled over and stained my nice beige dress pants so I am officially downgrading that to someone I used to know. Here was a female that was on all my information as who to contact in case of emergency. I have already changed all of that to reflect my husband, but still.....and sometimes it's just one line with me.

Conversation kinda stilted she tells me about her family and then asks about mine. I tell her about mine. Spring break coming up conversation on that, then discussion about the kids, say good news about SAT and mines which is followed by: "That's cool for when we were back in school, but isn't the highest like 2400 now" (WTF?!) We move on, then more plans about families and spring break plans their vacation and then my vacation and then "Well you have fun on your little vacation" (WTF?!). Dammit it don got on my pants!


So another one bites the dust. Yea I know I can be 'alot', Yea I know the 'tone' of my voice and the excitement and the way I am ALWAYS talking can sometimes overshadow what you got going on - but my position on that is jump in where you fit in. If you let me take the reigns I am comfortable but to be more comfortable - you get in there and bat it back and forth with me. However, I enjoy a certain personality around me to enter the inner sanctum of friendship with me and if it becomes convuluted then you get demoted, that's just how it is with me.

I am a magnet for folks, yet I keep running farther and farther away so you won't get caught up in my magnetism, lol lol

I sometimes wonder will I miss the development of new friendships with men. Blackmen are fascinating creatures and I have always been drawn to their spirit. I can have a friendship with a man and even if the reality is that on the man's part it started out as an attempt to get the licious - I can deftly swing us in another direction, he don't even know what happened and we can continue on, LOL. I won't be fostering any new relationships with men due to the fact that I am married and respect my husband. I have a few core 'online' friends that mean the world to me and they will continue to be my friend. they ain't going nowhere, lol

So I guess I have rambled along this morning about this because ultimately this is a sad day for me - downgrading a person I've known for so long and have been through some major things in my life with including the murder of my first husband. However, life goes on.

The Five Fingers of death I have now - do it for me. My 'longest finger' is my GURL and I hold her in the upmost and highest respect in my life and in my heart. I love her - she's the younger sister I have never had (despite having 4 younger sisters) - yet she is my equal. I purposely nuture and take care of this relationship because it means alot to me. All of my 'fingers' are important to me - however, I have found that where I am in my life and the age etc. that I do well with the five and actually am not auditioning for anymore friends at this time. I have a full life, full of all kinds of people in all facets of their lives and they all have a place in mine - for someone who has been accused of being a loner - I have PEOPLE!! LOL LOL