Thursday Throwback

Originally written February, 2006

NOTE: Since the writing of this - there has been no communication. I have a definite address etc. and sent wedding announcements etc. I had this crazy idea that maybe just maybe he would reach out for that. But no - After the wedding, I spoke to another brother and let him know that I was through. I have to just let go and let GOD.

O Brother Where Art Thou

The other day I got an email from one of my brothers. It always amazes me that he actually is able to maneuver the information highway, even if it is to send me a picture of a woman being violated by a horse (insert appropriate facial and vocal response). However, the thing I noticed more than that was on several emails, there was an address that was familiar, that of my older brother. Yep I have an older brother. One I haven't spoken to in um 7 or so years if not longer. I wonder if this was his actual email address. I had written it before to no response. I've sent mail thru traditional means to no avail. What happened you ask? Well in a nutshell - he and I were very very close coming up, he was my bonafide hero. I looked up to him and was very protective of his well being as he was mine.

A series of things began to happen that basically fucked with his psyche. I've talked before about the fact that I believe the theory that Mike J. was just sensitive and wasn't able to take what maybe another person could. I have a great amount to fortitude about some things, but apparently my brother did not. Around this time, he also met a series of women who did NOT have his best interest at heart. I spoke to him about this situation, but as we know affairs of the heart can break up the closest folks.

I remember exactly what went down. I was visiting his home. His wife at the time was point blank nasty. I was amazed (especially coming from the 'Man is King' upbringing he came from) how he was so submissive to the idea that he should work 60+ hours a week then come home where a stay at home wife has done NOTHING. The final straw was, the strips from the sanitary napkin laying exposed on the dresser. I got home and spoke to him about it and he went and told her what I said. She effectively banned me from coming to her home and speaking to him and surprisingly he went with that. As a matter of fact, it got to the point that he stopped speaking to everyone in the family and outside of his very recent communication (though VERY stilted) with his mother - we don't hear from him. Not a hello, how yah doing?, Wha I got a nieces and nephews - - nothing.

In the beginning I was very tortured about this and was very angry, then the anger turned to self because maybe I should have never said anything, then it just became I'll resolve this within myself and move on with life. Which is where I am at now. He's not even with the woman anymore - so that's a mute point. I would think, especially after all these years and after I have offered olive branch after olive branch - he would maybe make contact.

What is the kicker of all this - he has an ex girlfriend from many moons ago - that in the meantime in between time he has maintained a friendship with that spans over 20 years now. She has access to him and guards it like it's the answer to world peace or something. A couple of times important family information needed to get to him (regardless of his response) and I've had to go through her to get it to him. I no longer even ask for his information anymore. I have always found that situation the most fustrating of all. She and I are friends as well, but she's loyal to him like I've never seen folks be loyal.

So there you have it. I think about him often - what does he look like? Is he taking care of himself? Has he found any peace in his life yet? I would like to tell him about how I'm doing, have him see his niece - you know stuff like that. I don't even know his last three children at all, never even seen a picture of them (but then again neither has his own momma).

If I were to talk to him, I think I would really have to swallow deeply because yes my first inclination is to cuss him slam the fuck out. However, I won't...I just wanna say how are you my brother?